If you’re worried about what to buy your loved ones this Christmas, look no further. Pop Culture Monster has dipped into some of his favourite movies and brought you a list of presents that nobody should be without (even if most of them don’t exist). Buy them for your family (but you can’t, because most of them aren’t real) , or just treat yourself (nope, still not real). Either way, you’ll be making someone very happy this Christmas (at least in an imaginary capacity).
Leg Lamp – As seen in A Christmas Story
Some people are born winners. Not all of us can win a major prize. But you can give your loved ones that winning feeling this Christmas with a leg lamp. What’s not to love? It’s a leg. It’s a lamp. This saucy little number will have your neighbours running out to get leg lamps of their own. Stick it in you window and make your whole street jealous. Just be careful with it. Those things are fudging fragile.
Adopt an Imperial Stormtrooper – As seen in Star Wars (ish)
Take a good look at this Imperial Stormtrooper. It may be your last chance. Every day, hundreds of Imperial Stormtroopers are senselessly killed. They are not killed for their hide, nor their meat, simply for Rebel Lolz. For just 50 credits a month you can make sure that these poor little guys get the treatment and care that they deserve. You will also receive updates on your Stormtrooper so you can keep up with all the progress he’s making. Give the gift of a happy Stormtrooper this Christmas.
The One Ring – As seen in The Lord of the Rings
One ring to rule them all? Not anymore! This beautiful One Ring will make you the envy of your friends as you traipse about being an invisible Dark Lord. Cinemas, concerts, the locker rooms of the opposite sex; all yours to explore for free. The world is your oyster with this 24ct gold, fireproof masterpiece! Order now and get a complementary Elfin sword that blows glue when your enemies are nearby. Yes, we said blows glue and we meant it.
Batarang – As seen in Batman
If you’ve ever been held hostage by an escaped mental patient then we have just the thing for you. Batarangs. These blades have been lovingly recovered from walls and bodies all over Gotham. No longer will we bend to the whim of every looney in a mask and cape. Defend yourself by chucking titanium razors at the clinically insane. If Batman has taught us nothing else it’s that everyone can stand up against tyrrany (provided they have exorbitant amounts of cash). Get yours today. Also available in festive Robin Red.
Dream Tours – As seen in Inception
When you’re planning your vacation this year, where better than into the head of your favourite celebrity? We have a host of willing personalities from movie stars to singers to athletes to respected authors, who are all definitely forewarned and willing to have you poke around in their subconscious. We can’t stress enough how aware of this they are! Book your FULLY AUTHORISED tour of a celebrity’s dreams today. “Dream Tours. Where the minimally invasive magic happens”.
USS Enterprise NCC 1701-E – As seen in Star Trek
Do you get leg cramps travelling around in thoses pokey little FTL starships? Well then we’ve got a bargain for you. This little beauty is recently (and inexplicably) retired. She only has 56,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 miles on the clock. She’ll do Warp 9.975 and can make the kessel run in 12 hours (not parsecs though, because that’s a measure of distance). People say plasma burns take away from the value of a ship, we think they add character. She can hold her own in a fight and is equipped with a full complement of quantum torpedoes capable of blowing your ex or mother-in-law clean out of the sky. Get yours today and we’ll throw in a how-did-any-of-these-people-graduate-Starfleet-Academy crew, desperate for work.
Power of Self-Respect – As seen in Scott Pilgrim vs. The World
Speaking of exes (segue’d), don’t let them get you down. What you need is the Power of Self-Respect! Kick that worthless guy/girl to the curb and the morgue, with this nifty flaming sword. While you’re at it, do in the one they left you for. They’re not full of blood, they’re full of coins. Wondrous, rewarding coins. (Warning: Pop Culture Monster takes no responsibility for any murders that occur as a result of this incitement to murder. Any actual incitement to murder was unintentional and under no circumstances should you KILL YOUR EX!)
So there you have it. We’ve done all the hard work, now all you have to do is source them, pay for them and make sure they arrive on time. See how good we are to you. Thank us with something off the list. In the meantime have a pop culturey Christmas and be careful not to shoot your eye out.
