The Best & the Worst of Today’s Vampires – Part Two

Welcome to Part Two of ‘The Best but More Importantly the Worst of Today’s Vampires’. Last time I wrote about the better half of vampires so you can take a fair guess at what’s going to follow. Oh yes, it’s their version of the ugly sibling they wish would stay buried forever. These are the vampires that need to go to an academy where they all learn how to perfect their petrifying ways… Wait, there’s a books series called Vampire Academy? Sigh! Maybe they should just watch some old vampire films. Get it? That’s why Dracula’s here. And he’s not pleased in the slightest! No siree!

In Part One I was very staunch about what made a great vampire oh so great – It mostly involved them acting like one. I can be so easy to please!  The vampires that appear here either don’t act vampiric at all or they’re the result of stupendously bad writing… In the more dire cases, both.

And the Worst….

Edward Cullen – Twilight Saga

Where do I even begin? For those of you who don’t know him (I wish I lived under a rock like you), Edward’s a 107 year old vampire who’s never been in love before until he meets plain Jane, Bella Swan. He struggles to come to terms with what he is thus leading a vegetarian lifestyle. This isn’t exactly new in vampire lore, Angel and Louis had this jig going long before Edward and co jumped on the bandwagon. But you see, Eddie is different. Special, maybe. You see, the dude sparkles… Yeah, I said it. Sparkles. Like a hyperactive child who rolled in glitter like a mofo. I’ve still to figure out what this adds to his vampireness… Oh wait, it doesn’t! It’s just a ploy. Remember that phrase ‘diamonds are a girl’s best friend’, I guess Meyer didn’t have any diamonds (or friends) so she decided to make up a boy who sparkled like one. Double whammy!

So anyway, there are a few more problems with Edward. He’s still in highschool which means he’s either incredibly slow or his creator is. Fingers pointed at you Mrs. Meyer! He’s also supposedly the most attractive boy at school but… shrugs, I guess I like my men more manly and less, ahem, sparkley but that’s beside the point.

Edward can be creepy though. For sure! Firstly, Bella’s 17!!! Yeah, you see those two digits? That’s a whopping ninety years younger than Edward. (Watch Blood Light’s rip of this, link here). C’mon, think about it in all seriousness. Bella Swan should be known as jail bait whether she wants it or not. Secondly, he watches her while she sleeps, gets super stroppy when he can’t read her mind, threatens to commit suicide/kill her, isolates her from pretty much everyone, becomes uber jealous when she chats with Jacob, damages her property, dumps her and leaves her in a field where anything could have happened to her, and the list goes on! Oh. You thought I meant horror creepy? Nah, Edward’s just the ‘I abuse my girlfriend’ kind of creepy. Guess he does get some kudos for being a jerk. On second thought, no, he deserves nothing but a fight to his death with the Buffster. By the way, I’m still waiting for my ‘… And then Buffy staked Edward’ t-shirt.’

The Rest of the Cullens (Yep, all of them) & Every Other Vampire from the Twilight Saga

Ok, from the top. Carlisle and Esme. These are two of the most boring vampires created. Ever! Carlisle’s a humanitarian. A doctor. Respectable and whatnot. Sugar and spice and all things nice… Is that part of the song for girls? Shrug… So I got to pondering as to why Meyer even bothered making him a vampire? Morally good vampires are only intriguing when they struggle. Yeah, you can argue that Edward struggles but he doesn’t really. The guy goes as far as to look for praise when he doesn’t maul his girlfriend. He slaps on his emo face and sings a pity me tune. But Carlisle doesn’t struggle, not even a little. You could dangle a blood bag at him and he’d just shrug apathetically, ‘Meh’. He has no temptation. I might have preferred him, though not really, if he were a human sidekick helping Eddie. Like Whistler was to Blade, only a ponce.

Esme is a mother, somewhat Stepford. She’s one of the most underdeveloped of the Twilight bunch but here’s why she’s a woeful vampire. She doesn’t have powers, that’s fine. I’m down with that. You don’t need them to be a kickass vampire. It’s because, and I say this tearfully, she’s described as having a strong ability to love passionately. Cue, puking. Seriously, a loving Mammy vampire? Yawn! Is it strange that I’d rather her devour her children (Edward!) or even tell them to accept who they are and go on a mad rampage in Forks. Nope, all she wants is babies… All hope is gone when vampires go weak at the thought of babies – you know, unless they’re a part of their five a day! And to all the Twilighters out there, if you were over 100 years old would you really be living with Mammy? Really?!

Carlisle and Esme adopted some vampires cause, you know, that’s what vampires do in their spare time. Edward, Rosalie and Emmett are Carlisle’s fledglings but Alice and Jasper join them for the pure fun of it. Each of them are as dismal as the next. Rosalie is another one with baby fever! Emmett’s best described as a child with ADHD. Alice isn’t at all threatening as a vampire, she flutters around being constantly chipper. She’s a materialistic shopaholic and has a weakness for parties and makeovers… Does this sound like a vampire coven to you? No, it sounds like a family who should make an appointment with Dr. Phil. Stat! Then there’s Jasper, he’s a little better than the others. I said only a little, I’m not jumping ship! He’s the one who launched at Bella over a papercut. That’s some serious vampire action right there. Enjoy it while it lasts because that flicker of hope doesn’t stay aflickering for too long. He becomes as dull as the others. By the way, all these folk are still in highschool too. The only excusable reason for a member of the undead to be in a highschool is when they’re causing all matters of mayhem.. Not doing math!

James, Victoria and Laurent all act the way you expect vampires to act; they want to kill Bella. Kudos! Thing is, they either get killed by the Cullen clan (Lame!) or by werewolves who look like puppies on steroids (Also lame!). Meyer also introduces a buttload of covens in the final book. The Amazon, Denali, Egyptian, Irish, Olympic, Romanian and the European and American nomads. These guys are about as pointless as telling Kanye to keep his mouth shut. Not only do they serve no real discernible purpose, they pretty much unanimously swoon over baby Renesmee. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? … What the hell is a Renesmee?! Talk about trying too hard and its damn nickname is Nessie – Well hello, Loch Ness Monster! She’s the half-vampire half-human love child of Bella and Edward (some people shouldn’t be allowed to procreate). I really have a problem vampire children. Unless Nessie turns out like Claudia or the kid below, I’m not interested. My grounds for placing her with the other Twilighters? Well when she’s in Bella’s womb Edward can hear her thoughts. Silly? Yeah but moving on. Instead of her wanting to quench her thirst and do an Alien on Bella, Nessie actually tries to make sure that she causes her mother no pain. Meyer seriously needs a lesson in vampires! Vampires like pain! Why do you think they go around biting folk?! Oh I give up, this is a lost cause!

Then there’s the Volturi, who are basically a governing body for the vampires. Apparently they’re supposed to be terrifying but I found this a tough one because all they do is stand around, making ominous threats and using their magical powers to hurt people. Oh… I feel another yawn coming on. Even when you think its all about to go down in the final battle, bloody Alice shows up to make sure there isn’t one! Grr! Frustration. And then everyone lived happily ever after. Except the audience members who still retained their brains.

Stefan Salvatore – The Vampire Diaries

Issue number one: He’s a highschooler with 50 something years on Edward. Anyone think Paul Wesley looks like a teenager? No. Me neither. This concept of vampires in highschool is, as the great Anne Rice said it, a failure of the imagination and it is getting old, very fast. Why would anyone want the experience of highschool if they had the choice? He could’ve been like his brother keeping an eye on the Council while being snide and annoying. That’s way less lame than highschool. Issue number two: The ‘Edward’ Look. The Twilight film came out in 2008, The Vampire Diaries in 2009. Who copied who? Obviously whoever cast it thought a Pattinson lookalike would up the ratings and it probably worked. Granted these guys got the better actor. Now to be frank, I don’t hate Stefan. I sort of like the character even. He’s an ok guy. A goodie-two-shoes, sure but he’s has moments when he’s an intriguing character. You know, when he’s not running for ‘The Nicest Person Ever’ award. In the two seasons so far, his only interesting piece was when he went all blood junkie after drinking his missus’ blood to heal himself. Give him more storylines like that and he’ll be in the best list next time. Pinky promise!

Caroline Forbes – The Vampire Diaries

I was initially hesitant in putting her in this category just like Stefan. All in all, she’s probably my favourite on the show. She was overly emotional, selfish and the epitome of blonde while human but this made me so very hopeful that she’d be like Harmony Kendall once she was turned but, low and behold, she did a 180. So instead of her competing against Harm in the category of Best-Worst vampire she became the Agony Aunt of the show, dismissing old grudges, glamouring her mother to stop the pain of the thought of what she had become and pushing away average Joe boyfriend for his safety… I’d usually commend this behaviour but hey, wait a minute! She’s a vampire!

Read about the likes of Charmed, Queen of the Damned and Daybreakers on the next page!

V – A Tale of Terror