9 Useless Inventions

The world is full of useless things; absolute nonsense that has absolutely no regard for your being. We have no need for them and our lives are in no way enhanced by their mere existence, yet there they cunningly tease you with fancy buzz words or hilarious design until you cave and buy it. Sometimes, when I’m watching television and an ad comes on and it’s for something useless I like to scream at the television like it’s a sentient being that will listen to what I have to say and react accordingly. By “accordingly”, I do mean not subjecting me to ads for the feckless crap. Here’s a list of some of the most useless inventions I’ve ever seen.


Portable Zebra Crossing

You know those times when you’re standing there for 10 minutes at the side of the road with ne’er a pedestrian crossing in sight, traffic buzzing past and you think to yourself “Gods, I wish they’d install a zebra crossing here so I could easily strut my stuff across this road.” Well, fear no more good citizen, because Japan has invented the Portable Zebra Crossing. Yes, amaze your friends with this (probably) highly illegal useless piece of plastic. Dubbed “the pedestrian’s best friend”, this is an ingenious piece of shit that nobody needs.

I must also point out that it fails logically since you’d have to stop the traffic long enough to roll out your zebra carpet, walk across it and then roll it back up again. You’d have to be a complete idiot to think that this was a good idea. The picture also suggests that it’s a two-man job. This is highly impractical.

Umbrella (for your) Shoes

When I heard that these existed I thought to myself “someone must have been highly buzzed when these sprang to mind.” Now I just want them. Not for their practical side, because there is none, but just because they’re honestly one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. Seriously though, who owns shoes that can’t get wet? And if you do, why do they make shoes that can’t get wet? And also, why are you wearing them when it’s raining? Get them off your feet and stop trying to fool yourself into thinking that little umbrellas for your shoes was a good idea. </rant>

Solar-Powered Cigarette Lighter

Okay, so I’m all for environmentally-friendly, but this is just pushing it a bit.

1) It’s a glorified magnifying glass

2) It looks ridiculous

3) It’s impractical, because you can’t use it at night.

4) “Hey, have you got a light?” “Sure, here you go!” “…”

Two-Person Sweater

We all know those couples who just can’t keep their hands off each other. They constantly touch each other and it makes everyone around them seriously uncomfortable. But this, this is a whole other level. For the freaky co-dependent couple in your life, comes the tandem bicycle of the sweater world. Yes, it’s the two-person sweater. Snuggle up with your loved one, or play a sick joke on your friends (who know you well enough to know that you’d never actually buy them this as a serious gift). The only use for this I can actually see is for Hallowe’en when you dress up as a conjoined twins.

Cockroach Swatter Slippers

There’s something about these three words that just shouldn’t have ever been put together. Ever. Yes, cockroaches are icky and gross but seriously, why would you need/want to have cockroach swatters built into your slippers? Seriously, people!

Dettol No-Touch Hand Wash System

Don’t even get me started with this. This is probably the most commercial product on this list. It’s also one of the dumbest things ever. The premise is that it dispenses the hand-soap into your hands simply by detecting the movement of your hands. Sounds innovative and great when it’s coupled with an advert that pretends that it’s saving you from lots of germy badness. But even the mysophobic among us have to admit that this is bullshit. I mean, if you’re washing your hands anyway, why would you have any need “never to touch a germy pump again”? YOU’RE WASHING YOUR DAMN HANDS ANYWAY!!! Unless you’re touching the pump again after you’ve washed them, this product is absolutely absurd.

Slipper Mops

Just what everyone needs, right? A pair of slipper-flip-flops with cloths built into the soles. Clean while you walk. Now everybody can feel like Cinderella, before she got a fairy godmother. Rumours flying around say that this company is also making sweeping-brush pants and pot-scrub gloves*.

* This statement is a lie. But we kind of want to see them.

Banana Slicer

Picture yourself, you’ve peeled the banana (hehe), you’ve got a knife and you want to cut it. But sure, why would you take a knife and cut it when you can cut it with this thing? Who would be so lazy that they need to cut a banana with a specially made banana slicer? I wouldn’t mind so much if the slicer could be used for slicing other things, but it’s banana shaped, so unless there’s a lof of banana shaped things you need to slice into semi-equal segments, you’re kind of out of luck. This is yet another one of these As Seen on TV things that you’ll buy and literally never, ever, ever use. It will sit in the cutlery drawer gathering dust.

Lipstick Application Perfecter Face Mask Monstrosity Thing

1 acronym: WTF? More words: I don’t even understand why this was ever made. I mean, it’s not only hideous and makes you look like Hannibal Lecter, it also makes me think why anyone would need to use it. How big of an idiot do you have to be to need to use this to put lipstick on? Is a mirror not enough? And if it isn’t, STOP USING LIPSTICK!




V – A Tale of Terror