The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Pt 1 (Sort Of) Review

Okay, so fine I haven’t actually seen it. But I know that this is probably a fairly accurate review of the movie.

There’s the secks scene. That looked like this:

See how bored she is? You can bet that everyone other than 13 year old girls will be more bored than that if they go see this film.

And then BAM – instapreggers: Bella’s up the pole with Edward’s shampire demon spawn. And she’s obviously not very happy about that because she’s underage and he’s like 300 and that’s pretty much a felony what ever way you spin it. So she can’t believe it and she looks like this:

But then it’s okay because she can just call Planned Parenthood and get the morning-after pill but “oh no, it’s closed on Sundays.” And she does the same face again but on the phone this time:

Taylor Lautner takes off his shirt somewhere along the line I’m sure. And maybe he stands in the rain for a while like he did in one of the other movies. Cause everyone knows rain makes you 70% more moody. Especially if you’re 12 and have stupidly rippling abs.

And then there’s crying, and they mostly look sorta like this:

And people say things that are really emo and then someone, not saying who, sparkles in the sun some more (hint: it’s Edward or something). And then because of some plot, we get to the end the the baby shampire’s prolly born by then and they call it something stupid like Renesmée.

And then lots of 13 year old girls go nuts like this:

And then we have to repeat it all next year when the other one comes out.

So if you want to watch Kristin Stewart try, and ultimately fail, to act and if you want to watch Robert Pattinson sparkle and be moody and whatever other emo traits Stephenie “I Just Single-Handedly Ruined a Whole Generation of Young Readers” Meyer gave him, then go watch this film. If you respect yourself even slightly, don’t.

Fantastic Four Review